Single and Childless

So tonight the kiddies were asleep by 6.05pm. They were falling asleep on the sofa, I put them to bed and for the first time in 3 years, and I thought, I’ll watch a movie, like the old days! 

6.30PM the earliest movie night in history, as I know I’ll be in my own bed for 9pm, then waking every few hours with one of them!
‘How to be single” flashes up with one of my favourite actresses. I love ths movie! 

When I was single and childless,  I was totally clued up with chick flicks and the love life of single life!  It brought me back…A long way I have to say!
My goodness, I lived what I thought was a miserable existence of singledom before I met my man and had children, very quickly!

The tears I cried and I mean tears, the late night partying just to fill the gap of loneliness or more correctly, being alone, (they are very different things), the shocking dates, the sad pathetic dates, the geeky dates, the player dates, the he’s just not in to you dates, the rebound dates, the list goes on!  

The lying awake at night, wondering where on earth my Mr Right is, the lying awake at 2am in the morning with no-one around except my own thoughts on the pillow,  crying thinking will I ever have children,I will die baron, the constant vibe I could feel from my family of sympathy for my long time single state. 

The  girly holidays I had, enjoying them but secretly yearning to be doing this with my future man.  

The spontaneous last minute drinks to the local bar for a couple of hours with my BFF, the lying in bed every Sunday morning until mid day, getting up eating weetabix and whatever I could knock up from my almost empty fridge, going back to bed and watching Netflix until I fell asleep again, having a steaming hot bath and taking time to apply fake tan and nails for the week.

The going on 2 day drinking sessions on St Patrick’s day because I’m Irish descent and its the best atmosphere around, loving the music and secretly hoping I’d find my Irish Gerard Butler like in the movie PS, I love you! Only to be disappointed this never happened and my white jeans that my pre pregnancy bum looked good in  is  covered in Guinness and head straight in the bin along with my hangover.  

The being flown around the world to perform as a singer, meet fabulous musicians, make friends with strangers, sip champagne on yachts as I sail out of Venice at sunset with Italian Oprah blasting through the wind sails. 

The lying for hours and hours on an open sun deck in my pre baby body, basking in the rays with just my bikini and head phones fantasising about maybe I’ll meet my man here… 

The walking solo through The Monaco Races, making friends with a random passenger from the cruise ship, she was from Newcastle and having the best day with her! 

The accepting of  a 4 weeks singing contract in the Caribbean sun in the month of January,  because there was nothing better to do,  only having to sing once a week and just  eat, drink and be merry the rest of the time.
 Constantly longing to be with someone. Longing to share the sunrise. 

The long distance relationships that hardly ever work, the wasted time, money, effort and emotions on a logistical impossibility.

The being 35 years old and calling it off with a marcissistic boyfriend and wondering if it was the right decision to be be alone and maybe never ever meet someone and have children at this stage of life. 

After all of that, I find my man, my friend, right under my nose, and he totally blows my mind at the age of 38, pregnant at 39 and first child at 40,  second child at 41 and my career has had to take a different direction altogether,  as its impossible to do the above with two young children and now would I even want to?!

What is has taught me though, is to enjoy EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. 

All the times that I’ve described above sound amazing and actually were amazing as I through the rear view mirror of m,y life but at the time I was longing for what i have now and totally missing the present moments that I was living in!

Enjoy the alone times, single times, the times you think you’re depressed times, binge on chocolate, eat the cake, drink the drink, take the holidays, fly at the last minute, do everything that you want to do because this is actually the happiest you will ever be – you just don’t know it yet. 

You see when you have children all them moments above are never to be repeated, ok you can try to replicate, but your not the same person anyway  and you find a new state of happiness with your man and babies. 

A completely  different kind of happiness, and it comes with its own trails and tribulations, and sleep deprivation.  

Embrace everything that single life has for you, everything, and enjoy the moment. I loved being single, I thought I didn’t but when I look back even the tears were great, I’m thankful for every tear and heart break, it sound cliche but it lead me where I am today, I just wished I lived in the moment more before. 

Then when you’re like me and your little girl and boy call you back in the room at bedtime just to say in a 2 year old’s whisper of a voice 
’Mummy I love you to the moon and back’ Your heart will burst with pride, your heart fill with love and your eyes fill with tears,  for something you cried about all that time ago that  you thought was NOT  possible. 

I am now consciously embracing every single moment that my sleep tearful deprived body is going through raising babies and toddlers and reminding myself how thankful I am in my 40’s to be living this precious life!

Enjoy the journey, wherever you are in life, ENJOY this very second!

A x


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